you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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