I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think we might need a safe word for this...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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