Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
