I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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