Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
