God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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