I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
