I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were trust falling into bushes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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