CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
