I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
