the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
