My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
