Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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