im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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