I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize