Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
