I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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