He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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