Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
