I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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