If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
