mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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