She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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