Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oh god it's open bar.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
