Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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