never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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