I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize