You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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