woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
