Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
