Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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