i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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