Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
