What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
