my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
