Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
