my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
