smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you never un-have a 4some
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
