Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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