R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize