wanna go halves on a baby?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
