im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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