I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
