I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
