No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hippo gnu deer
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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