we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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