I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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