I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
