how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Drake has all the answers
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
All the doctor said was why
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
