Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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