After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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