Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
