Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
