oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
