Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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