I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
