Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
