we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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