no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
